Life with my 3 kids has been hard lately. Porridge is getting violent when he angry and Shreddies refuses to share and is so clingy it’s hard to deal with. And I’m feeling like a failure as a mum.
I recently started driving lessons and rather than feeling proud or triumphant or anything I feel… Inadequate. Like I’ve been a rubbish mum to my kids, especially Porridge. I feel like I’ve let him down most of all.
Looking back I’ve spent day after day basically staring at my phone and interacting with my kids as little as possible. Without meaning to I’ve treated them like burdens and hindrances rather than the most important things in my world.
Porridge used to go to a nursery that was a 30 minute walk from our house and half way home is a park. Almost every day he would ask, often beg, to go. Almost every day I would say “No.” For weeks, months I denied him 10 minutes in the park because I couldn’t be bothered to sit on a bench. Read that back and tell me I was making the best choice for him.
Sometimes I think I say “No.” To benefit myself when a “Yes” would benefit my kids so much more.
I hate that I have become a parent who struggle to put their phone down and be with their kids. I hate that meal time conversation is so stilted that no one wants to sit a second after their plate is clear. I hate that Porridge starts school in 3 days and I feel like I’ve cheated him out of a childhood (he’s 5) because I’ve been too focused on me.
I want to change, I want to be a better mum. I just wish I knew how to make it all better and make up for all my failings so far.